I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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