Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
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I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
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Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.