clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"