do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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