I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
