Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
