Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
