I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
