he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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