I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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