he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
