i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
