A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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