i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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