i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
