One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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