textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
