i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
