I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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