Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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