i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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