Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
