Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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