Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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