I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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