The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
