she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
