i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
