I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
