Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
