I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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