and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
