My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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