I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
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I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
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She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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