Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
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