i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
