Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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