i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
