all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
