I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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