I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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