It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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