I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
