I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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