I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
