Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
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She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
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this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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