can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
