tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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