Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
