and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
