Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
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She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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