you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
