Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
