alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
