Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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