: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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