I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
