need another drink. this is the easiest way
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
