Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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