i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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