I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I will be naked everywhere
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
