matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
